Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Wednesday's Rant!

Wednesday’s Rant

This Wednesday’s Rant is brought to you by THREE cups of Coffee, the furious ramblings of a pissed off daughter and the inconceivable mind of a woman who needs to be committed into an insane asylum!

 If you can’t say something nice…SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Two months ago, I decided it was time to once again torture my family. You see, since the birth of my daughter, every five years, I INSIST that we all sit down for professional pictures. No biggie right! Of course, my hubby and spawns griped and complained, but since it’s only every five years, they dealt with it. So we all got dressed up in our Sunday finest and set off for a 1 hour photo shot.

The pictures turned out BEAUTIFULLY and I was one happy MOMMA!

 Now, you’re probably wondering, why am I pissed? Well, since it was so close to Christmas, I decided to send all the Grandparents 8x10’s in a beautiful frame for Christmas. Figuring, since I did all the nieces & nephews the previous year, I assumed the GRANDPARENTS would appreciate the gift. So that’s what I set out to do. Last Friday, I bubble wrapped and secured each photo in a nicely wrapped box and mailed them from our local post office.

Typically, I don’t hound the grandparents, but this time, I wanted to make sure each box made it to its destination…intact! So on Monday, when I received calls from both of Hubby’s parents, I was happy that the pictures had arrived unharmed.

As the day drew on, I never heard from MY MOTHER. Now, let me give you the run down on this crazy piece of work. My mother is NUTS! ABSOLUTELY CERTIFIABLE! If ever there was a poster child for a TRUE SOUTHERN WOMAN and all that it entails, there would be a picture of my mother next to the definition.

You see, she grew up in the South, her great-grandfather actually took part in the Oklahoma Land Rush…yeah…she’s HILLBILLY! Anyway, My Mother never gave birth to sons, just had three daughters, and I just happened to be the oldest. So without a male spawn to lavish all her unrequited love on, she had the dubious privilege of raising three head strong and very independent girls. Oh she subjected us to matching cloths, perfectly trimmed hair, Daisy Jane shoes and social get-to-know-ya’s…WE HATED IT. I guess, I should also tell ya, that where my mother is concerned, IMAGE is everything. My Mom and sisters are slim, fit & can basically wear anything… then there’s me. I have never been the runway model nor have I ever been able to wear certain colors…I take after my father. I have dark hair and WHITE skin, and I ain’t talking creamy white, I’m talking SNOW WHITE!

Anyway, thanks to my father’s German heritage, I am big boned, and have what my Hubby calls an hour glass figure (Have I mention lately that I love this man!).

So, back to my rant, I called my CRAZY MOTHER, and asked if she received the photo. Of course she said yes, but she wasn’t as happy as my Hubby’s parents were, so I asked if something was wrong, thinking the frame was damaged. This is what she said, “Oh, the frame is fine, but honey, you’ve gained some weight.”


I am the wife of a man who I married at 18, was pregnant at 19 and birthed my first spawn at 20! My body NEVER recovered (basically, the thought of exercise gives me the willies!). I went on to have two more spawns, and I have managed STAY married to the same man going on 19 years! My weight has always been unpredictable over the years, but typically I am your average size 12! I have an ASS, a Waist and FULL BREAST! YES, I have something to hold onto instead of skin & bones!

On any given day, I can look thinner or heavier…depends on what day you catch me on! Add in the fact I HAVE NEVER been able to take a good picture (Cameras hate me) and well, ya get what ya get! She should have known this…she RAISED ME!

So…after a long silence, my hubby very calmly takes the phone from me and hangs up on the CRAZY WOMAN. It’s been two days now, and she still hasn’t called and I am okay with that. Cause right now, she better be damn happy I live 12 hours from her ass and that Hubby once again, hid my gun.

I realized early on in my mother’s house, that perception is not everything. It’s who you are and how you treat others that mean the most. Though my sister’s never learned that value, I did my best to live my life according to how I wanted to live.

I have a daughter, and I try very hard to instill those same values I learned at a very young age. I want her to be happy with who she is, not what she looks like. So to all you beautiful girls and women of the world, be proud of who you are, embrace your body, and NEVER let anyone, even family, hurt you, because it only hurts if you ALLOW it!
Rebecca Joyce

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