Hello folks. Whew, it was a busy last week. I sure hope everyone enjoyed the BDSM Special and learned a lot…if not, oh well…your loss! J Anyway, I guess you can tell I am a little SNARKY at the moment. Well, I have a damn good reason to be. So pull up a friggin chair, grab your damn coffee, cause this rant is gonna be a doozie!
It all went down like this…
I woke the other day feeling pretty damn good. Got me some NOOKEY from the hubby, the kids were behaving (well…about as good as 2 teenage boys & and 11yr old girl can), anyway, I was feeling refreshed, limber and a little frisky! I had just grabbed my first cup of coffee and my phone rings. Now, technically, I do not speak to anyone before 9am, cause let’s face, I am a total MEGA-BITCH without two doses of JAVA in my system, but for some MORONIC reason, I say what the hell…I pity the asshole but okay, I’ll talk to ya!
BIG MISTAKE!!! You see, I cannot, I absolutely refuse to do PERKY in the morning! Well, that’s who called…Ms. PERKY(that's her name for now, it changes later!...Guess I should tell ya, I have known Ms. PERKY for a very long time) anyway, I groaned and managed a grunt or two to acknowledge I was still listening. Anyway, while she was talking a mile a minute, I silently drank my coffee and prayed for a Nuclear Guided Missile to slam into her house, because Ms. PERKY was going on and on about, trying her hand at publishing her own book. Thinking to myself, “Yeah, yeah, you have been saying that for years! Say something NEW or I am hanging up on your ass.”
Now, it takes a lot for me to set my coffee cup down and pay attention in the butt fuck early dawn hours, but the next thing to coming out of her mouth had my full, undivided attention. This is what the BITCH said, “Oh by the way, I am gonna fix the three chapters you sent me and finish the book myself.” The flames of hell billowed up, lightening struck all around me, and brimstone reigned down from the heavens. A mission quickly formed and all I needed was my gun! Too easy, I know right where it’s at. I quickly formulated how long it would take me to get to her house, cap her ass and get back before anyone knew I was gone.
The words mad, angry and furious were too tame for what I was feeling. After screaming into the phone, calling her everything I could think of and inventing some new words, my hubby (you remember him, the one who SWORE to take my side FOREVER) yeah, well…he took my phone and then proceed to tell me I needed to calm down. Uh, WRONG THING TO SAY BUCKO! Yeah, he flinched and actually backed away, my kids scattered like rats, even the cat and dog took cover, cause I was getting ready to blow!!!
Now in my perverted and grossly retributive mind, everything I thought to do was too good for this back-stabbing BITCH. Items like knives, rolling pins and even my gun were to tame for what I wanted to do. So thoughts of wood chippers, saw mills and steel mills began forming, but even those were too tame. Now, when the thought of 100pds of C-4, crab meat and bic lighter came to mind, I was starting to smile. I could already picture her demise.
Then reality hit…cause apparently the whole time I was plotting her death, my hubby had taken matters into his own hands. After he quickly hid my baby (my gun) he proceeded to make calls to some of his friends. Well, though my inner demons were left begging to fix the problem, after a lengthy visit to a LAW OFFICE, the matter has been taken care of. I legally FUCK HER UP! Muwahahaha…and people think the legal system is messed up! Well folks, let me tell you, IT WORKS!
Now, you are probably wondering what happened to the BITCH…well…you see, it went like this, I grabbed 15ft of rope and…
Thanks for listening.
Till next time, KEEP READING!!!